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[Journey] Be Wise about Lovers and Friendships
A longer passage this time, but then a lot of this hit home...
Part of living in reality is having the wisdom to pick out friends and lovers with whom you have a flow and a feeling of mutuality. Sometimes friendships are instantaneous, similar to falling in love, we meet a kindred spirit and feel a strong liking that continues for years. Sometimes those instantaneous feelings can mislead us. Other times friendships can evolve over time.
You can't make a friendship happen. Friendships are gifts that evolve with their own flow, rythym and pace. You can help them along by reciprocating and doing your part, but the magnetism happens a its own level. Even so, we need to moderate our instant attractions to others with wisdom from our past.
Here's a basic premise for developing friendships that help you stay unstuck: go toward people who are reliable, responsive, interested in knowing you, and supportive of your best self. Do not repeatedly put your energy into people who are indifferent, unreliable and unresponsive to you. Remember to switch it around and consider that if you want solid friendships you also need to be reliable and responsive to those you would like to spend time with.
Another aspect of pleasureable relationships is the willingness to reveal yourself; that is, talk about both your rough and smooth spots. Some people find this scary - they tell temselves, "If I'm myself she may not like me." That may be true, but think of the experience as collecting data. You're finding out whether or not a person can be real with you, handle differences, and support your best self. If you are a tender poetic soul and present yourself as Mr Strong Success, then what happens when the mask falls off? Truth in packaging is a much better approach. Be your tender self, bring a rose, tell her you're anxious, and see what happens. This is the only way to create an I-Thou rather than an I-Other relationship.
It is important to be aware of self-deception. Making excuses about someones behaviour and hoping he or she will change signals that you are not living in the current time. You need to bring yourself into reality and ask yourself, "Whats true right now about this person?" Could you accept this person without an agenda for him or her to change?...
To stay in reality, ask yourself, "Whats true today?" Notice mushy sentimental feelings of wanting to be the rescuing angel. This is not a good basis for a relationship, and rescuers usually find themselves being left eventually. No one wats to feel indebted to another forever. Avoid deluding yourself by thinking thatif you are kind enough, sweet enough, good enough, or smart enough you can change another person. Such a plan starts you out on uneven footing, with you in the superior position.
It's helpful to understand the differences between impulse, attraction, and a balanced response to someone. If you've had difficulty forming reciprocal relationships, remember that impulse or strong attraction is often one part of yourself reacting to a person. While happy, enduring relationships usually have a strong component of physical attraction, if you're someone with a history of troubled relationships, you'll probably make far better choices when you combine heart, body, hormones, interest, and your rational mind. It's like the committee of who you are making the decision, not just one part taking over. For example, a person may be a good fit in terms of interests, but there is no sexual attraction. Thats fine if you're friends, but a sad story when it becomes a long-term sexless marriage. Conversely, there may be raging hormones but little else to hold you together.
As you are creating a circle of friends and lovers, reach out, join in the dance, bring your wisest self into the conversation, be willing to reflect on yourself, and go toward that which helps you find out what a precious jewel you are.
To quote the Sufi poet Hafiz,
We have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply to freedom and joy...
Run my dear
from anything
that may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings
For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits
But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom, and Light!
Part of living in reality is having the wisdom to pick out friends and lovers with whom you have a flow and a feeling of mutuality. Sometimes friendships are instantaneous, similar to falling in love, we meet a kindred spirit and feel a strong liking that continues for years. Sometimes those instantaneous feelings can mislead us. Other times friendships can evolve over time.
You can't make a friendship happen. Friendships are gifts that evolve with their own flow, rythym and pace. You can help them along by reciprocating and doing your part, but the magnetism happens a its own level. Even so, we need to moderate our instant attractions to others with wisdom from our past.
Here's a basic premise for developing friendships that help you stay unstuck: go toward people who are reliable, responsive, interested in knowing you, and supportive of your best self. Do not repeatedly put your energy into people who are indifferent, unreliable and unresponsive to you. Remember to switch it around and consider that if you want solid friendships you also need to be reliable and responsive to those you would like to spend time with.
Another aspect of pleasureable relationships is the willingness to reveal yourself; that is, talk about both your rough and smooth spots. Some people find this scary - they tell temselves, "If I'm myself she may not like me." That may be true, but think of the experience as collecting data. You're finding out whether or not a person can be real with you, handle differences, and support your best self. If you are a tender poetic soul and present yourself as Mr Strong Success, then what happens when the mask falls off? Truth in packaging is a much better approach. Be your tender self, bring a rose, tell her you're anxious, and see what happens. This is the only way to create an I-Thou rather than an I-Other relationship.
It is important to be aware of self-deception. Making excuses about someones behaviour and hoping he or she will change signals that you are not living in the current time. You need to bring yourself into reality and ask yourself, "Whats true right now about this person?" Could you accept this person without an agenda for him or her to change?...
To stay in reality, ask yourself, "Whats true today?" Notice mushy sentimental feelings of wanting to be the rescuing angel. This is not a good basis for a relationship, and rescuers usually find themselves being left eventually. No one wats to feel indebted to another forever. Avoid deluding yourself by thinking thatif you are kind enough, sweet enough, good enough, or smart enough you can change another person. Such a plan starts you out on uneven footing, with you in the superior position.
It's helpful to understand the differences between impulse, attraction, and a balanced response to someone. If you've had difficulty forming reciprocal relationships, remember that impulse or strong attraction is often one part of yourself reacting to a person. While happy, enduring relationships usually have a strong component of physical attraction, if you're someone with a history of troubled relationships, you'll probably make far better choices when you combine heart, body, hormones, interest, and your rational mind. It's like the committee of who you are making the decision, not just one part taking over. For example, a person may be a good fit in terms of interests, but there is no sexual attraction. Thats fine if you're friends, but a sad story when it becomes a long-term sexless marriage. Conversely, there may be raging hormones but little else to hold you together.
As you are creating a circle of friends and lovers, reach out, join in the dance, bring your wisest self into the conversation, be willing to reflect on yourself, and go toward that which helps you find out what a precious jewel you are.
To quote the Sufi poet Hafiz,
We have not come here to take prisoners,
but to surrender ever more deeply to freedom and joy...
Run my dear
from anything
that may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings
For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits
But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom, and Light!